The Smart-Ass Cashier

Have you ever thought of a snappy comeback aimed at your customer, user, client, or what-have-you, but had to swallow it for the sake of professional image? I don't have that problem.* The following list describes some of my fun moments at the cookie store and the pizza parlor where I have worked.

* At least, I didn't, decades ago when I wrote this. I've learned a little bit of tact since then, for better or worse.

Part I:

"How do you sell the little cookies?" - Customer
"We exchange them for money." - Blimix

Part II:

"Do you know where the restrooms are?" - Customer
"Yes, but thank you for making sure." - Blimix

Part IV:

"Do you have a bag?" - Customer
"Yes. Thank you for asking." - Blimix

Part VI:

"Do you know what time it is?" - Customer
"Yes, and thank you for your concern regarding my awareness!" - Blimix

Part X:

"Do you know what time it is?" - Customer
"No, but I will in exactly eight seconds." - Blimix, who then waits eight seconds before looking over at the wall clock and reciting the time, while Customer feels sheepish over having been suckered into waiting that long for something that obvious.

Part XII¹:

"Can I have a small Coke?" - Customer
"No." [Pause while Customer acquires confused look at no extra charge.] "But you can have a small Pepsi." - Blimix

Part XVI:

"Can I have a large soda?" - Customer
"Any particular kind, or shall I just mix them all together?" - Blimix

Part XVIII:

"Can I have a medium Pepsi?" - Customer
"Gee, I'm not sure... Let's see, we have a cup, okay, that's good... It's pouring, yeah, it's looking very likely, I think you probably can... [voice rising] We're almost there... YES!!!!" -- Blimix

Part XXII:

"Can I have a large Pepsi?" - Customer
"Certainly! Assuming, that is, that I can have $1.39." - Blimix

Part XXVIII:

"May I help you?" - Blimix
"No, we're just trying to think." - Customer
"Good luck." - Blimix

Part XXX:

"Do I have to buy six of the little cookies?" - Customer
"No, you don't have to buy any." - Blimix

Part XXXVI:

"Can I have..." - Customer, trailing off
"Yes, as soon as you tell me what it is." - Blimix
"I don't know what I want yet." - Customer
"Then why did you ask for it?" - Blimix

Part XL:

"Can I have a small Pepsi?" - Customer
"Of course you can. Why, do you want one?" - Blimix

Part XLII:

"Do you know what time it is?" - Customer
"No, I haven't looked at my watch recently." - Blimix

Part XLVI:

"Can I have a large Pepsi and a large Mountain Dew?" - The female of a couple
Blimix starts pouring, then turns to the male: "And for you?"

Part LII:

"It's $3.82." - Blimix
[Pause while the customer stares at nothing.]
"It's still $3.82. It's not going to change." - Blimix

Part LVIII:

"Can I ask if you have a bag?" - Customer
"I cannot stop you from asking if I have a bag." - Blimix

Part LX:

Blimix offers change and receipt to Customer.
"Oh, you can throw that out." - Customer
"Okay." - Blimix, tossing both receipt and change into the garbage.

Part LXVI:

"Can I have a Pepsi?" - Customer
"Small, medium, or large?" - Blimix
"What does the medium look like?" - Customer
[Blimix retrieves a medium cup.]
"Kind of like this, but filled with soda." - Blimix

Part LXX:

"Straws are..." - Customer, looking around for straws
"What you drink with, yes." - Blimix

Part LXXII:

"Straws are..." - Customer, looking around for straws
"Yes. Straws are." - Blimix

Part LXXVIII:

"There must be a straw..." - Customer, looking around for straws
"Yes. There exists a straw." - Blimix

Part LXXXII:

"What's a medium?" - Customer, looking around for soda prices
"It's the size between small and large." - Blimix

Part LXXXVIII:

"That's $6.66." - Blimix
"No! Change it! Don't let it show that! Add a penny or something!" - Customer, gesturing frantically at the register
"If you just pay me, it'll go away." - Blimix
"Oh yeah." - Customer, shutting up and paying

Part XCVI:

"We have caesar, ranch, italian, light italian, and oil and vinegar." - Blimix
"Do you have light italian?" - Customer
"No, I only said it to tease you." - Blimix

Part C:

"Pardon me while I dig for change." - Customer
"It's okay, take your time; we're open 'till 9:30." - Blimix

Part CII:

"Is there any way I can get a cup of water?" - Customer
"Yes: Asking for it generally works." - Blimix

Part CVI:

"This will be $6.88." - Blimix
"Did you get the pizza, too?" - Customer
"Ma'am, if you were paying seven dollars for two sodas, you'd be at the theater." - Blimix

Part CVIII¹:

"I'd like a medium Sprite, a medium Coke, and a medium root beer." - Customer
[Blimix pours these and places them randomly in front of the customer.]
"Okay, this one isn't the Sprite, this one isn't the Coke, and this one isn't the root beer." - Blimix, pointing to the root beer, the Sprite and the Coke, respectively

Part CXII:

"Can I get a small Pepsi?" - Customer
"No, but I can get it for you." - Blimix

Part CXXVI:

"What time is it?" - Customer
[Blimix raises his arm and obviously studies his bare wrist, disguising the glance at the wall clock that is visible just over his wrist.]
"It's 4:23." - Blimix
"Wait, how did you, is that really, um...." - Customer, very confused

Part CXXX:

"What do you have that's fat-free and sugar-free?" - Customer
"The water." - Blimix

Part CXXXVI:

"Do you have a cup of ice-water?" - Customer
"No, but I can assemble one." - Blimix

Part CXXXVIII:

"Can I get two Italian?" - Customer, pointing to the dressing packets
"No, nothing is too Italian for this place." - Blimix

Part CXLVIII:

"You don't have a bag...?" - Customer
"What makes you think I don't have a bag? What an odd conclusion to draw! Sorry, zero out of ten points for logic." - Blimix

Part CL:

"Would you like a bag?" - Blimix
"Sure, if you have one." - Customer
"It would be awfully cruel of me to offer it if I didn't have one, wouldn't it?" - Blimix

Part CLVI:

"There's a hair on my pizza." - Customer
"Oh, I'm sorry, that's an extra ten cents." - Blimix

Part CLX:

"Wait, I have change. Uh, no." - Customer
"You don't have change?" - Blimix
"I thought I had change, but I didn't." - Customer
"Okay. Don't tease me about it again, then." - Blimix

Part CLXII:

"Would you like somthing to drink?" - Blimix
"A medium Dr Pepper. That's all I want." - Customer
"If this is all you want, what are you going to strive for in life, now?" - Blimix
"More Dr Pepper." - Customer

Part CLXVI:

"Can I have a medium Pepsi?" - Customer
[Pause]
"Would you believe me if I said no?" - Blimix

Part CLXXII:

[Blimix rings up a sale, and receives bills from the customer.]
"I have two cents." - Friend of Customer
[Pause while Blimix waits expectantly.]
"I have two cents." - Same Friend of Customer
"Well, do you intend to give it to me? Or are you just stating it as a fact, so that I can be happy for you because you have two cents? I can do that." - Blimix

Part CLXXVIII:

"Would you like anything to drink with that?" - Blimix
"No, that's all right." - Customer
"Wouldn't it be all right if you did want a drink?" - Blimix

Part CLXXX:

"Ma'am, do you want your change, or is this a fourteen dollar tip?" - Blimix to Customer walking away

Part CXC:

"Can I have a Dr. Pepper?" - Customer
"Yes, but only if you can guess which size I'm going to give you: Small, medium, or large?" - Blimix
"Um, medium?" - Customer
"Correct! Here you go." - Blimix

Part CXCII:

"Enjoy your evening." - Blimix
"You too." - Customer
"How can I enjoy your evening?" - Blimix

Part CXCVI:

"Oh, here comes [name of regional director]." - Coworker
"Everybody, LOOK BUSY!!!" - Blimix

Part CXCVIII²:

"I'd like the kid's meal." - Customer
"Can you show me some photo I.D. proving you're under twelve?" - Blimix

Part CCX:

"Hi, I can help you down at this end." - Blimix, to customers at the other end of the counter.
[No response.]
"May I help you?" - Blimix
[No response.]
"I get paid by the hour for standing here waiting for you. What's your excuse?" - Blimix

Part CCXXII:

"Can I have a cup of water?" - Customer
"And one for me, too, please." - Second customer
[Blimix pours and presents two cups of water. First customer reaches for one.]
"No, that one's his; this one is yours." - Blimix
"Oh, okay." - Customer, taking the other cup.

Part CCXXVI:

"Is there a senior price on this?" - Customer
"Yes, but it's the same as the regular price." - Blimix

Part CCXXVIII:

"What's this?" - Customer, picking up a box marked "Peppermints"
"I don't know; what does it say it is?" - Blimix

Part CCXXXII:

"Would you like anything to drink?" - Blimix
"No thanks, I'm good." - Customer
"Good people sometimes want drinks." - Blimix

Part CCXXXVIII:

"The large size gets you the most soda per penny by far, if you get the free refill." - Blimix
"Really? How much is it for the free refill?" - Customer
[Spreading arms wide, calling loudly and clearly:] "Can anybody tell this guy how much a free refill costs?" - Blimix

Part CCXL:

"'Twill be $3.86." - Blimix
[Customer hands over a five-dollar bill, then carefully counts eighty-six cents and hands that over as well.]
"Is that correct?" - Customer
"No, it's two dollars over." - Blimix.

Part CCL:

[Customer grabs the tops of several bottles of water sitting in ice.]
"Are any of these cold?" - Customer
[Blimix picks out one of the bottles already checked, and hands it to the customer such that the customer grasps it by the cold lower half.]
"Sure, here you go." - Blimix
"That's better, thanks." - Customer

Part CCLVI:

[A couple walk in, decide not to buy anything, and go to the back dining room to smoke. A minute later, one returns to the register.]
"Where are the ashtrays?" - Non-customer
"Are you buying anything?" - Blimix
"Oh, we have to pay for something?" - Non-customer
"We pay the mall for that space; what are you paying us for it?" - Blimix
"But we come in here all the time to eat! We're just not hungry today; we just want to smoke." - Non-customer
"If you came in here all the time, you'd know where the ashtrays are." - Blimix

Part CCLXII:

"That'll be $12.38." - Blimix
"That's a good price." - Customer
"Oh, if that sounds too reasonable, I must have messed up." - Blimix

Part CCLXVIII:

"I'm just one of those customers, aren't I?" - Customer
"You're two of them." - Blimix

Part CCLXX:

[Blimix sloshes a few drops of soda onto the counter.]
"You're just spilling stuff all over today, aren't you?" - Customer
"No, I leave that to my customers." - Blimix
[pause]
"Don't take that as an invitation." - Blimix

Part CCLXXVI:

"That's $11.87." - Blimix
"Out of $22.00." - Customer
"Hey, look! A customer who can subtract!" - Blimix
"Hey, look! A cashier who can subtract!" - Customer

I also have had a few fun quips that do not feel worthy of inclusion in the above list:

Part 0.0:

"Your change is $1.45. Use it wisely." - Blimix

Part 0.01:

"Your change is one cent. Don't spend it all at once." - Blimix

Part 0.02:

"These are a dollar, right?" - Customer, pointing to the $1.89+tax bottled drinks
(Snort) "You wish!" - Blimix, in an over-dramatic elementary school tone

Part 0.03:

"Can I have a small Pepsi?" - Customer
"You got it! Well, not quite yet... But you will!" - Blimix

Part 0.04:

"Can I have a cup of water? Does that cost anything?" - Customer
"I'll have to charge you... One smile." - Blimix
(It worked. But men, don't ask women to smile.)

Part 0.05:

"Your change is $2.68; there'll be a quiz tomorrow." - Blimix

Part 0.06:

"Hi, can one of these guys help you?" - Blimix, loudly and obviously, to customer being ignored by three servers

Part 0.07:

"I'd like a medium drink that's half Coke and half Sprite." - Customer
[Blimix pours this.] "Okay, the Coke is on the left, and the Sprite is on the right." - Blimix, pointing to the corresponding halves of the cup
(This drink was adopted and named "Sproke" by the Jester of Fish, who was witness to this exchange.)

Part 0.08:

"You can keep the receipt." - Customer
"Oh, how magnanimous of you! I'll add it to my collection." - Blimix
(This has been repeated, and sometimes coupled with a very obvious toss into the garbage pail.)

Part 0.09:

"Would you like anything to drink?" - Blimix
"No. But can I have a cup of water?" - Customer
"Oh? And just what do you intend to do with it?" - Blimix

Part 0.1:

"What would you like to drink?" - Blimix
"7-up looks good." - Customer
"Looks can be deceiving." - Blimix

Part 0.11:

"That'll be $1.07" - Blimix
"Sorry, I don't have any change." - Customer, handing over two dollars
"That's okay, I'll expect you to have the change for me the next thirteen times." - Blimix, handing back ninety-three cents

Part 0.12:

"Can I bother you for an ice water?" - Customer
"No. It doesn't bother me at all." - Blimix

Part 0.13:

"Oops. That was stupid of me." - Customer
"That's okay; I'm the only one being paid to think right now." - Blimix

Part 0.14:

"You know, the condiment stand is a great place to apply condiments!" - Blimix to customer inconsiderately blocking the line to the register

Part 0.15:

"That'll be nineteen fifty-two. Actually, that was forty-eight years ago, but the price is nineteen dollars and fifty-two cents. Not coincidentally, your change is forty-eight cents." - Blimix

Part 0.16:

"What kind of dressing would you like?" - Blimix
"Can I have a little caesars?" - Customer
"Hey, don't say 'Little Caesars' in here." - Blimix

Part 0.17:

"I'd like a Pepsi too." - Customer
"'Pepsi Two'? Is that like a Pepsi One with twice the calories?" - Blimix

Part 0.18:

[Customer arrives with an empty plate.]
"I see you have decided to try our new invisible pizza!" - Blimix

Part 0.19:

"Do you want your receipt?" - Blimix
"No, I'm fine." - Customer
"I know plenty of fine people who want their receipts." - Blimix

Part 0.20:

"Have an enjoyable evening. Whether you enjoy it is up to you." - Blimix

Part 0.21:

"How big is the medium drink?" - Customer
[Holding up an empty cup] "It's about this big, but much heavier." - Blimix

Part 0.22:

"May I help someone, or do you all like waiting in line?" - Blimix

Part 0.23:

"Ma'am, it's a lot easier to bring your food to the register than to bring the register to your food." - Blimix

Part 0.24:

"What's the difference between the small and medium drinks?" - Customer
"The size." - Blimix

Part 0.25:

[Customer half-stumbles as she changes direction.]
"Watch out for that floor; it's kind of tricky." -- Blimix

Part 0.26:

"What sizes do you have?" - Customer
"Small, medium, and large." - Blimix
"I'd like a medium." - Customer
[Placing cup on counter...] "Okay, here's a medium." [Pause.] "You want something in it?" - Blimix

Part 0.27:

"That'll be $4.83." - Blimix
"Sorry, I have a lot of change to give you." - Customer
"That's okay, you can give me 483 pennies if you wish." - Blimix

Part 0.28:

[Blimix takes over the register. The previous customer is still standing there, doing nothing but blocking the line.]
"If you're gonna stand there longer, I'm gonna ring you up again." - Blimix

Part 0.29:

[Raising arms and loudly proclaiming:] "Good night! Thank you, you've been a great crowd! I'll be here tomorrow, same time!" - Blimix

Part 0.30:

[Blimix pours two sodas.]
"Which one is the diet?" - Customer
"The one marked 'diet' is diet." - Blimix

Part 0.31:

"When I said, 'I will help you at this register,' what I meant was, 'I will help you at this register.'" - Blimix, to customer still waiting at the wrong register

Sometimes, interacting with the customers can be just plain weird. About half of all customers believe that water is not a beverage. They also have a strong tendency to assume that every sentence out of a cashier's mouth before the conclusion of the transaction is, "Would you like anything else?" and every sentence afterward is, "Have a nice day." This occurs regardless of volume, clarity, and background noise:

"That'll be $3.86." - Blimix
"No, thanks." - Customer

"Good afternoon." - Blimix
"No, thanks." - Customer
"You don't want a good afternoon?" - Blimix

"Enjoy your meal." - Blimix
"You too." - Customer
"I did." - Blimix
"Huh?" - Customer

Customers have difficulty being specific. When they came to the register to pay before their pizza was ready, or when their pizza was packaged to go, I asked what they had. These, and others, thought that they were giving me enough information:

"What kind of pizza do you have?" - Blimix
"A slice." - Customer
"A slice of what?" - Blimix
"Pizza." - Customer

"What kind of pizza do you have?" - Blimix
"Three slices: Two pizzas, and a big one." - Customer

"I'd like a soda." - Customer
"Can you be more specific?" - Blimix
"No." - Customer

"What's in the lemonade?" - Customer
"You want to know the ingredients?" - Blimix
"What's in it?" - Customer, insistently
"Um, the usual stuff; water, high fructose corn syrup, citric acid, lemon juice from concentrate, potassium sorbate, natural flavors, red dye number forty..." - Blimix, guessing extremely accurately
"Is there any alcohol?" - Customer, impatiently
"Oh. No, there isn't." - Blimix

They also display the most amazing consistency in their needs:

"Do you have decaf coffee?" - Customer
"No, just regular." - Blimix
"Okay, then I'll just have a Mountain Dew." - Customer
[Pause]
"Um, you do know that Mountain Dew has a lot of caffeine, right?" - Blimix
"Oh yes, that's fine." - Customer

Then there was a role-reversal:

"It's $14.87." - Customer
"So that's a whole cheese and two large drinks. What kind?" - Blimix
"Oh, my god." - Coworker

There are rare times when I do censor myself. These are, sadly, far less likely to be remembered and recorded. The following responses were thought, but not spoken:

Part i:

"Can I have another cup?" - Customer leaning over the counter
"Why, 32C isn't enough?" - Blimix

Part 2i:

"Can I have two orders?" - Customer
"Sure, sit down and shut up." - Blimix

Part 3i:

[Customer searches for space on tray, then dumps napkins and utensils on their pizza, ignoring the sufficient space next to the plate.]
"You guys need bigger trays." - Customer
"No, we need smarter customers." - Blimix

Part 4i:

[Blimix pours a Pepsi and a Diet Pepsi for the customer.]
"How do I know which is which?" - Customer
"The Diet Pepsi is the one that tastes like crap." - Blimix

Part 5i:

"Would you like some Caesar dressing for your salad?" - Blimix
"I would." - Customer
"Tough." - Blimix

This one was written for me by Gbob Waters, in a parody post during a discussion of elitism:

Part G:

"Please, sir. May I be served a Pepsi or a Coke?" - Customer
"No. You are not worthy." - Blimix
"But I have money." - Customer
"Then the money may ask." - Blimix

(Gbob has also had several of his own "Smart-ass Cashier" episodes. Though he forgets to write them down, this one made it into the archives: He was working at his campus bookstore, and had his laser pointer with him. A student picked up a book from a pile right in front of him and asked what the price was. Gbob lit the laser pointer, ran it across the bar code, announced, "$98.75" (which he had read from the sign at the top of the pile), and informed the student that he could pay at the register.)

Annoying Customer Bingo

(Known in public as "Cash Register Bingo")

I designed this game, randomized the cards, and played it at work. Cross off the box for each type of customer as they manifest. Two sample cards (since I cannot fit all of the categories on one card):

B	I	N	G	O
Wastes food item	"No ice" after drink is poured	Asks prices after sale	Gives bill larger than 10x purchase	Drops change all over
Contradicts self	Throws money at you	Orders wrong drink	Abuses free services	Drops food or drink
Holds up line	Talking on cell phone	Fill in individual:	Waits at wrong register	Miscellaneous stupidity
Jumps in front of line	Must tell them price 3 times	Off-duty coworker	Can't locate soda machine	Complains about price
Chronically states the obvious	Doesn't communicate	"That was supposed to be separate."	Rude	Brings food to table, not register

B	I	N	G	O
Abuses free services	"No ice" after drink is poured	Rude	Expired coupon	Can't locate condiment stand items
Jumps in front of line	Leaves bag	Changes order after paying	Orders server items from cashier	Doesn't have cash
Found own hair in food	Drops change all over	Fill in individual:	Doesn't know what pizza they have	Asks prices after sale
Confused about their money	Legitimate complaint	Complains about price	Gives bill larger than 10x purchase	Contradicts self
Orders wrong drink	Chronically states the obvious	Must tell them price 3 times	Ignores what you just told them	Talking on cell phone

After the success of Annoying Customer Bingo, I produced (with much encouragement) Elaine Bingo, thus turning working with the Wicked Witch of the West into a fun game!

B	I	N	G	O
Cooing over baby/child	Criticizes others' work to you	Gets defensive over innocent remark or question	Won't listen to reason	Insists upon a counterproductive system
Leaves scoop in ice bin	Complains about how she's treated	Misrepresents store policy	Refuses to answer question	"The manager said..." (and incorrect)
Chats with Filene's people	Miscellaneous stupidity	Obnoxious (Free square)	Criticizes your work	Puts grounds in wet coffee holder
Complains that she has to do everything here	Hypocrisy	Inappropriately gives away free stuff	Walks away in the middle of something	Makes personal attacks
Contradicts self	Misrepresents anyone's actions	Deliberately puts towels on floor	Bossy	Butts into others' conversation

• Back to Thwpp-land

1.One workplace sold Coke products; the other sold Pepsi products.
2. This has been said, at different times, both to adults and to small children.

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