The Centrist

by Joe Levy

Being a centrist is a balancing act — a harder one than it might seem. We're here to help you make sense of it all... But not too much sense. (Too much sense leads to fringe concepts such as "informed decisions," and as centrists, we know that "fringe" is never a good idea.)

So how do you do it? If a democrat in office would secretly allow industry to kill a million people for money, and a republican would openly allow three million to die, for a lot more money, does a centrist hope to see two million people killed, semi-privately, for moderate kickbacks? NO. Caring about the number of people killed is solely the realm of liberal democrats. If we do that, then we are no better than they are. What we strive for is a moderate attitude toward all subjects.

Where a democrat might decry government corruption that allows polluters to kill millions of people and wreck entire ecosystems, and a republican happily insists that there is nothing wrong with the environment, a centrist must express halfhearted sympathies toward dying people and animals, bewilderment over liberals getting all worked up about it, and firm blindness both to underlying causes and to the idea that something can be done about it.

Where policies are regarded, it seems our ideals have had to shift. The democratic party has hardly changed, but because republicans have slid far to the right, today's centrist is yesterday's conservative. Luckily, we never have to form opinions. All we need to do is find the middle ground in any debate, which will allow us to be clearly superior to either side. And if you are ever asked for your opinion on a matter, outside of the context of a debate, it is always safe to say, "It's not my problem."

In coming issues, we will show you how to apply these and other ideas to relevant issues, so that you will never be at a loss for an easy, comfortable opinion.