Molasses Joe's Chili
                     (with a bit of help from Don Henley)

Put in:

* Anything you can find that would work in chili.  Lots of it.

Chop it, simmer it, and enjoy it.

Sample the vegetables and fungus as you wish.  (When making two batches
(mild and hot), I even taste the hotter chilis to see whether they're too
hot for the mild pot.  Don't do this unless 1> you enjoy setting your
tongue on fire, 2> you're a masochist, or 3> you're a perfectionist.  Set
a high threshold for the mild pot; the chilis will get tremendously
milder as they cook.)

That's the real recipe.  In particular, it may include:

* Ground beef, browned and drained.
* Tomato sauce (Not too much:  Maybe a 15-oz can per pound of meat.  Even less if
  you don't have lots of other solids.)
* Tomato paste
* Water (only as needed)
* Alcohol (e.g., sherry or Mexican beer) to release the alcohol-soluble compounds
* Mushrooms, sliced.
* Red, yellow, or orange (Mmmm) -- or any other color but green -- bell
  peppers
* A large variety of chilis, finely chopped or pureed.  (Basically anything
  red -- not green -- and bigger than a cherry pepper.  Ancho, anaheim, Fresno,
  whatever looks good.)  Remove the seeds first.  (They're all heat and no flavor,
  and they stick in your teeth.)  Wash your hands after handling them.  If you have
  lots, wear food prep gloves.  (After one giant batch without gloves, my hand felt
  like it was on fire for hours.)  The "heat" is in the peppers' oil, and the oil
  will get on anything you touch.  Don't rub your eyes!
* Red and/or yellow onions
* Toasted onion powder (I get it at Penzeys)
* Cayenne powder (to add heat)
* Chili powder (lots!)
* Chipotle powder (not a lot; that stuff is strong!)
* Garlic (fresh, or from a jar, powder, paste, or all of these)
* Salt (be generous)
* Black pepper
* Paprika
* Creole and/or Cajun seasoning
* Cumin
* Oregano

Highly optional:
* Coriander or cilantro
* Crushed or chopped tomatoes
* Cubed beef (stew meat) or ham.
* Dill

Save the chopped bell pepper to go in a half-hour before finishing cooking.
Adjust seasonings occasionally, and don't be scared of the spices - for a
big batch, you need a frightening amount of each.  On the flip side, beware
of overpowering the flavor with too much of one spice.  There's a huge
margin between too little and too much, so you needn't worry about the exact
amounts.

Chili needs lots of time for the flavors to combine, but this can happen on
or off of the stove.  This recipe is intended to be a very thick chili.  In
my experience, it is best cooked just long enough to prepare and add all of
the ingredients, plus a half-hour.  Then chill the entire batch, to reheat
and serve it the next day (or later).  If you want to cook it longer (for
same-day serving, because it just needs time for the flavors to mix), be
very careful not to burn it:  Keep the heat very low, and stir frequently,
thoroughly scraping the bottom.  This is when you might consider adding
water.  (If you do burn it, don't scrape the bottom any more!  It'll make
the whole batch taste like cat food.)

No convenient measurements of ingredients or cooking time is given - this
is a very free-form meal to make.  Adjust the spices to taste as you go,
and let the sauce/meat/spices cook while you wash, chop, and add the
multitudinous vegetables.  (Add the chilis before the other veggies; they
count as spices for this purpose.)  Also, feel free to ignore any of my
advice (except the bit about not scraping if you burn it) - there are few
"rules" for chili.  Go nuts.
                                         - Blimix


"In fact, let's get one thing straight right now: True, authentic 'chili'
does not--I repeat, NOT--have beans in it. Beans are a separate dish to
be relished and revered in their own right. When you put beans in chili,
you insult both the beans AND the chili."  -- Don Henley